Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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