I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
