id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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