I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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