Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
