dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I forget how to act sober
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
