wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
