toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
