dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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