I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
