dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
