I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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