I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
