You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
