he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
