the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
