do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
