I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
