now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
