people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
