Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
