Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
