your parents love me but you hate me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
