I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
