You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
