if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
