I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
be right there i have to get my cape
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Enjoy the penises
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
