I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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