I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
