you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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