i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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