You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
