I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
