I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
