Do you still have your period?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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