Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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