I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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