Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
