can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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