it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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