Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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