So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
