Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
