I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
