I faked an abortion last night.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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