FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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