There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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