so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have fence marks all over my body
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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