hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
