i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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